Your questions answered by Patrick Houser of Greatvine.com
Greatvine.com offers individual advice, by phone, direct from the country’s best parenting experts.

Patrick Houser is a parent counsellor and the co-founder of “Fathers-To-Be” which helps expectant and current fathers through the challenges of being a dad. Author of the hugely successful “Fathers-To-Be-Handbook”, Patrick runs workshops for fathers throughout the UK. In addition he delivers keynote speeches at conferences and holds workshops for childbirth practitioners and educators worldwide. A father and grandfather himself, Patrick specialises in support during the early years, from conception to the age of 1. For individual advice you can trust, book a private phone call with Patrick at www.greatvine.com/patrick_houser

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I’m terrified about being left alone with my baby for the first time. I’ve never even held a baby – how will I cope?

Most new dads, if they are honest, will recognise fears they have about various aspects of fathering. Being left alone with their baby is typically right at the top of the list, and yes it can feel like terror. This is normal and with support, time and practice you will gain confidence. All parents need to begin with where they are. Caring for your baby will become the most natural thing in the world, and I am here to help.

Research shows that fathers are equally as good as mothers at caring for children. However, a parent’s degree of confidence has a significant time quotient inherent in it. During the early time mothers may be breastfeeding and doing more direct caretaking of a baby. Fathers are often involved in other household ‘duties’ as well as possibly returning to work. Because of this, fathers may take a bit longer to develop confidence; and with patience it will come.

How a father is with a baby is dissimilar to how a mother is and this distinction is important for a baby. You will hold your baby differently and speak to her differently and even change her nappy differently. She will enjoy and appreciate this difference. It is all part of your unique relationship together and it is essential for her development.

Can you recall a time when you held a dozen long-stem roses? You probably didn’t grip them but rather cradled them carefully in your arm. We could make a comparison between holding long-stem roses and holding a baby. Although your baby doesn’t have any sharp bits she can seem as delicate. In actual fact she is quite resilient. Your baby will relax into you and trust your embrace.

Dad, you are going to do a great job. Your baby is completely safe with you. And, oh yes, remember the long-stem roses for that special mother in your life. Red is good.

I’m 40 and about to be a dad for the first time. I’m worried I won’t have the energy for a little one - any advice?

The responsibilities that come with first time fatherhood can seem daunting, at any age. A new baby will bring increased demands on your time and energy. Even though most fathers adapt well, the transition can be intense and cause concern. With the proper support you will not only succeed but also enjoy the adventure.

Something important for you to know is that your age may give you an advantage by virtue of your life experience. You may be more ready to settle-in to being a father. More mature men typically know themselves better and manage their time and energy more effectively. You might also be more secure in your career, which is a plus.

The mother and child relationship, especially immediately after birth and during breastfeeding, has a pretty clear design and course to follow. This precious relationship needs to be protected and preserved to allow your baby to feel the continuum. This is known as the bonding and attachment time and is crucial to your child’s short and long-term security as well as brain development. One of your roles is to support their relationship. This can seem overwhelming when added to the other responsibilities, which may fall on your shoulders during this time. But do not fear, with time it will absolutely come naturally to you.

Life today is exceedingly busy and the adage, “it takes a village to raise a child”, may contain a clue for helping to resolve your question. Invite support from family and friends, particularly during the early days and weeks. They can provide meals, help tidy up the house, transport/entertain older children, do the laundry, gardening and more.

Remember your village, acquire personal support (have some coaching), and relish getting to know your new baby and the rest will fall into place. You have everything you need and you are going to be a great dad. Get rest when you can, take your vitamins and remember, 40… is the new 30.

My wife is pregnant and I feel like a bystander while she is doing all the hard work – what can I do to help during her pregnancy and labour?

The most frequently recurring question dads ask me about pregnancy and birth is, “She is having a baby, what am I supposed to be doing?” The possibilities for what a father can ‘do’ are many and range from the invisible to the very physical and practical.

When my wife and I were expecting our first child the midwife suggested I consider that I was also ‘pregnant’. Although I knew she did not mean this in a literal sense a light went on for me. I instantly adopted the attitude that my wife was carrying our baby, and I was carrying our family. Empathy had firmly taken hold. You could let this be a signpost for you as well.

Mothers tend to be hypersensitive during pregnancy and more so during labour. It is often the little things you say and do that will make a big difference to her. A loving touch, kind and supportive words, massage, fixing her favourite meal, a special date or weekend away all say volumes about how much you care for her and that you are grateful for the gift she is giving you. For the majority of mothers a significant factor for her successful pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding is the quality of care she receives from the father. You can choose to embrace this reality as guidance and an opportunity.

Inform and prepare yourself, this will support both of you. Read a book or two on pregnancy, birth and fatherhood. Attend birth preparation classes and fathers-to-be classes. Watch enlivening birth videos together, like Orgasmic Birthand Birth into Being, which represent birth as normal and natural. New visual images are very important talismans for expectant parents. Know that birth is safe and trust in her ability to give birth. Speak with your mates about what you think and feel, particularly if they are caring fathers. Connect with your own father. And of course, please do feel free to speak with me direct on Greatvine.com

During labour your calm presence is what is most supportive and there is a direct correlation between your preparation and your ability to feel safe and calm. By utilising the above tips you will be better prepared to make a useful contribution to her pregnancy and labour. Additionally, you can download an article of mine on Greatvine.com, The Science of Father Love. It further explains the value of your supporting the mother during birth and how nature will enhance your good intentions.

What makes a good dad?

Being a good dad can be the pinnacle of a successful life for a man. Career, money, possessions and social accomplishments may all pale in comparison. According to Hesburgh, “The most important thing that a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” While in practice the activity of being a good dad goes far beyond this, it is a valuable component. This also applies if you are not in a live-in relationship with the mother.

It has been said, “Fathers who change nappies, change the world”. I believe this refers to more than just the practice of baby hygiene. It pertains to a father’s involvement and his commitment to fully engaging with his children and in his family. Reading stories, playing games (even if you feel silly), investing time (even if you think you are wasting time), attending school functions and supporting other of your children’s activities all communicate to your child that you care and that they are important to you. You hold very high status in your child’s eyes and have a powerful influence beyond what you can even imagine. Because our culture rarely recognises, much less supports, the benefit a father provides, extra attention may be required on your part.

Research shows that a father who reflects on how he was parented, when he is about to become a parent, produces happier children. This illuminates the impact of our own upbringing and how it can affect the next generation. Awareness is the first step to self-improvement. I coach fathers who recognise they would like support ‘to be the best fathers they can be’, with great success. This coaching is sometimes based in resolving issues around how they were fathered, and is available to you via Greatvine.com.

A father’s contribution to his children is invaluable. You are uniquely qualified to father your children. No one else is as well equipped for the task as you are. Above all else, remember to enjoy the journey.



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